The Weakie Awards
Hello and welcome to the first annual (and probably only) Weakie Awards ceremony. An event so monumental, it can only happen once ever! Only those who were deemed Weak of the Week are eligible for a Weakie. This event was originally scheduled for the first week in January, but we postponed it to let the weakness simmer a bit. Let the weakness soak in. Bring the weakness to a fine rolling boil. Each one of our lucky "winners" will walk away with the most coveted award in the history of Champions Online. No, not the Deadman Walking vest, A WEAKIE AWARD! My, my, what a handsome award! Totally ignore the fact that he only has half a wing and is just a reconditioned Golden Spader award. It's still coveted, I tell ya! Pick your jaws up off the floor, cause it's time to get this show underway! Our first category is... For this category, only the most mindbogglingly named weaklings were allowed in for consideration. Remember Agent Holefiller? What about Make Death? Perhaps he's is now a Make Win! Without further ado, drum roll, please! Winner: Breadstick Coma Breadstick...Coma. This one still baffles scholars to this day. I don't understand it, nor do I pretend to. Let's just analyze the words: Breadstick. A breadstick is a fine Italian appetizer, especially good with marinara sauce. Coma. A coma is a state of unconsciousness in which a person cannot be awakened and has no sensory function. Why are these two words sitting next to each other atop an MMO avatar? I have no clue. Maybe we need some female intuition. Best actress? Forget that. This is all about Worst Female. Now, if you would utter that phrase outside of the world of Champions Online, I'm sure the image of Sarah Palin immediately springs to mind, but this is strictly limited to Champions Online. Winner: Zas Kratos!? Get out of here! You can't win worst female! You're a man! I guess female Kratos is called Zas? Why even make this a female character? Is it even on the female editor? She looks like Darth Maul fused with some random Mad Max goon. What about that demands the use of the female editor? When creating a character, you should ask yourself "Does this concept work better as a Female?" Unless you're Lupin, then the question is "She Asian?" I can see using the female editor to make a Cheerleader or Candyland Princess or something but believe you me, the male editor is fully capable of making generic blackredders. See? I told you the male editor is capable of making generic blackredders too! Remember that common blackredder...Kamen Blackredder? Did he try that? I doubt he was that clever. Not to say that Blackred makes something bad, different colored outfits can be just as bad. Which leads us to our next "Winner." Winner: Dubblemint Gumm See? Color can be just as weak as Blackredness! This is bad on a whole other spectrum of badness that Zas. As a word of warning; Please, please, please, for the love of all that is good, do not allow Dubblemint Gumm and Zas to breed. Their spawn would be so weak it may cause a blackhole of suckage and swallow the galaxy. Speaking of sucking... These "creators" sucked so bad that even when they are directly stealing a character design they still manage to screw everything up. How? How can you mess it up? It's right there! Just copy it! Winner: Sonic I take that back. Please god don't copy Sonic the Hedgehog and attempt to put his lanky cartoon hedgehog body on a humanoid editor. You get that unholy mess of...mess. Can't you just come up with something on your own and make a Sonic-like character? Apparently not because even when you make the actual sonic it doesn't look anything like him. Hold on, I'm being informed by Twitter that I'm a racist. So you know what time it is... The hashtag #WeakiesSoWhite is currently trending on Twitter. Even though the winners thus far have been a green guy, a literal black woman, an anthropomorphic hedgehog and a...breadstick powered robot? How are any of them white? Listen, I know Will Smith is upset because he didn't get nominated for an Oscar, but is begging for a Weakie Award for him via Twitter really going to solve anything? I mean, Will Smith is an actual human being and not a player created character on Champions Online. Winner: Blkvegeta All right, here's your freakin' PC mandated pandering award only granted because of the levels of melanin in your skin pigment. Just stop DDOS-ing me. Share it with the rest of the black Saiyans since you apparently have a hive mind. You're all so special, now get off my stage! Speaking of abuse! Where did the user touch you, Champions Costume Editor? Who abused the costume editor so bad that charges should be brought against them? Please tell me it was Blkvegeta so I can revoke his award... Winner: Insistor, Insidious and Olivessence Three of them!? The Champions Costume Editor wasn't just molested, it was gang raped! How could you do this!? Stop piling the parts and auras on all ready! No means no, Insistor, Insidious and Olivessence! The editor can't take that kind of abuse! The costume editor can only take so much abuse before it snaps back, bursting forth from it's binary confines into the real world, creating a sentient being hellbent on revenge! So, treat the costume editor with some respect before it's too late! Say, there's an idea... As dumb an idea as a living Champions Online Costume editor sounds, it's still leagues above the completely vapid concepts that each and every Weak of the Week winner put on display. A breadstick coma? Really? A rubber duck themed superhero? Vegeta but black? Buninja? These were horrible, but you wanna know who was the worst concept? Winner: 009 Lives Oh my lord, this is the most stupid concept in the history of mankind. This takes the two worst cartoons of the 1990s, James Bond Jr. and SWAT Cats, and combined them into one wretched, flea-bitten package. Cats hump each other enough without one of them being as promiscuous as James Bond. Please god someone get that cat neutered before he goes around yiffing everything in sight, all while innocent children look on, perverting their sexual development. Turning them into some kind of furry with a fetish for British accents. This is it. The moment we've all been anticipating for over a year! Or have we been living in fear of this moment for a year? Either way, this character has shown us what it truly means to be horrible. This isn't just some average weakling. This is the weakest of the weak. This character is so weak it would strain itself lifting up a feather. Where others prevailed, he failed. While others were strong, he was weak. When others swam, he sank like the Titanic but even worse because it was filled with bowling balls. If you saw this character coming, you would avoid him at all costs by pretending your family members were terminally ill and you needed to see them immediately. Above all, he has shown us that even among the weak, you must truly be outstanding in your ineptitude to have created the absolute worst costume of the year. Who is that one weak peen? Why it's none other than... Winner: Fassad the Friendly Fassad, you've proven without a shadow of a doubt that you are a force to be reckoned with. A very weak force, much like a refrigerator magnet, but a force none the less. I don't think I've ever seen an outfit and concept as stupid as this and I created a character who is a Chicken themed version of Batman named The Nightcock. Like, what the frick is a Nightcock? I don't know, but I sure as heck understand it better than Fassad the Friendly. This outfit is the antithesis of a well design costume. Sure, you thought about the design of this dumb character, but thinking about something this freaking stupid is even worse than not thinking about a characters design at all. You would have been better off just hitting random than taking your time to "create" this atrocity. Which is why, for making a black figure with a sticker of a bald smiley face in his underwear (for some reason), you have entered the annals of history as the first ever Weak of the Year! Category:Special Feature